I hesitate to publish this (maybe I’ll postpone it to when I’m asleep, to take the human factor out.) [ten-bucks says I delete this before midnight - ed.]

But, I need to get into words my feelings about the year of 2006. Before the close of the year.

I didn’t like 2006 at all. As I look back, I’m not fond of very much of it.

Its humbling to think that 2006 was probably the worst year of my life.

It was so poor, even by July, during a work-related dinner, one of my co-workers even pointed out, “This hasn’t been a very good year for you, has it?”

It started in December 2005, and a rather painful, and embarrassing surgery.
May 17th, 2006 was not a good day either.
Then, August 2006 brought me the realization that all my effort in my job, the sacrifices I made, the successes that were wrought, were pretty much for naught. The machine that I had helped build was being taken apart from the inside out.
(As proud as that sounds, its the kind of thing that makes one feel useless, under appreciated, and in essence, disposable.)
Add on some critical farewells, and some disappointments, it all started to add up.

This realization hit me, hard, on Friday, as I was leaving work for the holiday. I sat in my car, and was emotionally exhausted. You know, that exhaustion you feel when you’ve been acting too long?
Acting, that is what I feel I’ve been doing all year. It had taken its toll.
I didn’t have any kind of attack, or an uncontrollable episode, but I was emotionally spent.
I had a hard time wishing people a Merry Christmas.
Even when they wished it to me first.

I wept on my drive home. The stupid, twisted thing, about it all was, I made every effort to hide my hurts. From everyone.
I’m surrounded by people who know, love, and care for me. But I was not going to let anyone know.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is a list of things I’m aware of, and thankful for, I’ve seen some success in areas I never imagined… but, all the above, it still hurts.
All of it.
All of it together.

I can’t say its grief. That is only part of it.
I can’t say its frustration. That is only part of it.
I can’t say its disappointment. That is only part of it.
But add them all together, and this year had a lot of opportunity. (It sucked)

I’m not looking for sympathy.
I’m not looking for pity.
I don’t know what I’m looking for.

I just want something better, and the way 2006 presented itself, 2007 can’t get much worse.

My only hope, these days, is to put this year far behind me.
But this year is hard to ignore. The scars are deep.

2007 can’t come soon enough.
I’d be happy to skip 2007 and move straight to 2008.

Am I wrong to feel this way?
I mean, I have a job, a pretty good paying one; and I’m enjoying financial stability which I haven’t enjoyed since leaving my parent’s home in 1996.
I have some health.
I have a loving family.
I have countless friends. (No, I’m not exaggerating) and have some of the deepest fraternal relationships I’ve ever had.
I live in the greatest country, in the greatest time in history
I serve a wonderful and holy God.

Is it wrong to feel so low, given all those things? Things which people might never enjoy.
It feels wrong.
But I can’t deny it. I feel bad. I feel so bad I’m getting used to feeling bad. It has almost become comfortable. And now that I realize that, it makes me feel worse.

I just hope that 2007 IS a “Happy New Year”